Saturday, March 25, 2006

George W. Bush Is A Serial Killer

As President Bush continues his serial killing, life goes on for the living, often in mundane yet comforting ways. I am the father of a beautiful three year old boy and a beautiful one year old boy and I've been actively encouraging my oldest to use the toilet. So instead of my usual quiet pee just above the water line in the toilet which I've practiced to perfection for 30 years, I have been peeing directly into the toilet lately so he can hear me from wherever he's playing, hoping to remind him that Daddy uses a toilet instead of a diaper (and that Daddy hasn't disappeared from his universe). This bothers me a bit because I can often feel microscopic droplets on my legs. It depends on how many Newcastle Brown Ales I've had. Newcastles often transport a person to hypersensitivity about all things mental and physical. I am seriously considering abandoning this peeing silliness. Why do we teach our boy toddlers to pee standing up? Who taught me to teach him to pee standing up? My dad and mom? Who taught them? Their parents? Does this go all the way back to Adam and Eve? And who taught them? God? And who taught God? Oh, excuse me - God always was. Right. Sure he was. How convenient for you believers. Well, teaching a toddler to pee standing up is ridiculous! Let's teach them to sit down on the toilet and pee. Aiming a peeing penis requires skill, concentration, and the ability to accurately predict trajectory, much like aiming a rocket at the moon. When he's older and more in control of small motor muscles he can make the switch. Yesterday I went over to my good friend Leo's house for a couple of Newcastles and I used his bathroom (in 2 beers = out 6) and what did I do? Peed directly, and loudly, into his toilet! After I wiped the rim of his toilet with toilet paper, which I always do anyway, I went back to his comfy livingroom and was compelled to explain why I was so loud. Meanwhile, valiant soldiers are dying in Iraq as I type these inconsequential words.