Saturday, November 21, 2009

Loss and confusion, grief and loneliness

At the present time we are comfortably settled in a nice, safe, little town. Our oldest is in first grade here, our middle child will be going to kindergarten in September in the same school as our oldest, and our youngest is 2 years old. I work for the state university here as a night custodian. I took this job to keep our children out of daycare while my wife took six long years to earn a master's degree. I used to be an elementary teacher in my previous life, long ago. We agreed that when she earned her master's I would be able to semi-retire and perhaps homeschool our children. Now it is all gone. My wife has fallen in love with a medical marijuana grower and seller and she intends to move our babies to live with him in a desolate city in California. I have been left destitute, living in cheap quarters, and a visitation schedule with my children that doesn't compare to coming home every day to "Daddy!" and my daughter running into my arms. All gone. I am amazed that my heart still beats.

I have state benefits here that will be hard to match anywhere else. I have a 200 thousand dollar life insurance policy, excellent health insurance for our family, and an excellent retirement plan. Our children are familiar with this town, the teachers, the doctors, the parks, etc. Why do we need to move? I encourage my wife to maintain a long-distance love affair and I don't mind helping to pay for their summer and xmas get-togethers. All I care about is being with my children. She doesn't seem to be concerned about taking our children from their familiar surroundings, teachers, doctors, and friends and move them into the unknown, far away from me, their father who loves them beyond words. I will follow them and I will stay in their lives. I'm their dad!

I love all three of our children intensely and it is very difficult adjusting to a visitation schedule. I am a hyper-vigilant father and I am proud of it. I used to check on our children at least twice a night to make sure their blankets were covering them and that they hadn't fallen out of bed, and to make sure they didn't have a fever. My wife sleeps straight through every night. This says a lot about my spouse's maternal instincts. She has left our children twice now since December 09, for ten days at a time, and flown to California over the Xmas holidays and spring break to be with her new lover. I couldn't do it. I would miss our children too much.

When they visit me I change their clothes so I have things that smell like them when they're not with me. I sleep with their clothes and when I wake up in the night I breathe in my children's scents. I do not know how I am bearing this loneliness.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pathetic Bullies

So I'm surfing through some sad news stories and I read the comment sections and there I find post after post after identical post of "my prayers," "gobbless," "in a better place now," "god needed another angel," "my prayers," "gobbless." On and on. So I post a comment saying that there is no better place for a child than in her mother's arms. I say that the only reason people believe in a biblical god is because the religious indoctrination of children is still legal.

So what happens? Holy rollers spent hours googling my commenting name and actually found out who I was. Then they sent emails to my immediate supervisor AND the president of the university where I work. They attacked my family website and mailed death threats to me. Pathetic bullies. It just seems to me that their god wouldn't be proud of them for their actions.

So I had to shut down my website for awhile. I had to explain to my supervisor the whole story. Now it's all fixed up and I feel even stronger about posting my feelings. I changed my commenting name and made it impossible to trace back to me. It's completely anonymous.

Good grief. Bullies are pathetic.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Rosalie Walks!

13 and a half months old and Rosalie has started walking. She is such an amazing person. I have three amazing children, each of them with very distinct personalities. I am such a lucky dad. I tell them everday that I love them and that my love for them is bigger than the sky. Watch Sammy kiss his sister's foot at 0:30 seconds into the video. Where's my Kleenex?

Heaven? No thanks!

Eternity is an unpleasant concept to me. How could I be happy in heaven knowing that freak accidents and horrible murders are happening on Earth? Does god make me blind to events on Earth? Well, who does he think he is? I want to know about my loved ones! Good times or bad, I want to be there for them. What happens in heaven? Are my memories erased? No thanks.

When someone dies, especially a child, I often hear religiots say things like, "she's in a better place now" or "god needed another angel." Those comments make me sick. How could a child be in a better place than her mother's arms? When god "needs" another angel, why doesn't he "take" them while they're sleeping, instead of drowning them, or letting them die in fires, etc.? Let's not even discuss sex crimes and murders. If there's a god, I hate him.

I do not believe in a god but even if I did
I would never force religion upon my children. When they're older they can decide for themselves. I was raised a catholic (I refuse to capitalize it) and I remember being haunted as a small child by the man in agony nailed to that cross. Who would allow little children to gaze upon such a horrible sight? And then tell the child that the man died for ME! Crazy! Child abuse!

The older I get the more sad memories I gather. That's life. Many happy memories too, of course. If not for happiness life wouldn't be worth it and it wouldn't make sense to have children. I see now that eventually the sad will outweigh the happy and I'll be ready to step aside for the next generation. Hopefully I'll die in my sleep, although so many brave and innocent humans have died in such painful ways that I feel guilty for hoping for a painless exit. Perhaps, if I get the big C, I'll walk to the edge of the Grand Canyon and learn how to fly.

Yup, heaven looks pretty damned ridiculous.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


A neighbor's garage burned down the other night around 11PM. We could see the raging fire from our livingroom window. Fortune smiled upon them and no one was hurt. I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned and looked at the ceiling trying to figure out how I could protect my family from fire. I already have a smoke alarm in every room and a photo-electric flame detector (with a light) in the hallway and I test them often. We also have a carbon monoxide detector. Still though, a fire might block me from reaching the children because of the hallway layout. Suddenly it came to me - why can't I just go through the wall to get my children? Well, the next morning I went to Ace Hardware and talked with my hardware buddies about it and I walked out with a 13 pound mini-sledge. It will go right through drywall. I also bought a hundred dollar extension ladder. If the room is on fire I can jump out the window, grab the extension ladder, and be in the kid's room in under a minute.

I used to think it was weird for parents to sleep with their children, especially older children. Now I have a totally reversed opinion. If my children sleep with me tonight and a fire breaks out, I know where they are. They're right within reach and I can scoop all three of them up and be outside in seconds. Ain't nothing wrong with sleeping with your kids! Some psychologists say the kids might have future issues? I doubt it. One thing's for sure - they'll be alive to deal with those issues.

Do you have children? Test your smoke alarm this instant!

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's Thrilling To Say "President Obama"

Listening to the rah-rah attitude on inauguration day I was filled with an optimism I hadn't felt since before John Lennon died. Wait. Maybe not even then. Maybe that feeling goes all the way back to the optimism of the Kennedy presidency. I was 8 years old in 1963, that magic time before America's optimism was dashed by an assassin. I remember the intense sorrow felt by my parents and teachers, all the tears.

Amazingly, CBS Morning News first reported about Beatlemania on the morning of the day Kennedy was shot. A month after the assasination the Beatles scored their first #1 hit, 'I Want To Hold Your Hand,' and I was one of 74 million people on February 9 who watched the Beatles perform live on The Ed Sullivan Show. Were you?

As I got older I looked forward to each of John Lennon's solo releases. When he was murdered a part of me was murdered. "They" say that the day Buddy Holly died was the day the music died, but I have listened carefully to all of Buddy Holly's songs and John Lennon blows Buddy Holly out of the water (whatever that means). I've always felt that December 8, 1980, was the day I lost my faith in humanity, the day the music truly died. However, after watching Obama's inauguration, I'm grokking that I may have lost my faith way back in 1963.

Congratulations, President "No Drama" Obama, for making it all the way to the White House. I'm not sure how I feel about you risking the lives of your family to get there (and stay there) but I am glad that America finally has a truly intelligent president, ala Lincoln. Perhaps sanity will return to America. Perhaps the wars will end. Perhaps America will truly become again the home of the brave.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Who Am I To Make More Humans?

I am ashamed of myself for being so selfish to believe I had the right to create life. I didn't take the time to consider what life really is. Now I have three children that I love more than life and if anyone harmed them I'd, I'd..., but there is nothing I can do to prevent them from eventually dying. What was I thinking? How could I do this to someone I love?

As I type these words I hear my darling ten month old daughter coughing in her crib. We just laid her down. This afternoon she developed a fever of 100, she's breathing fast, and she has a runny nose. Google says it's probably something called RSV. I don't care what it's called. All I know is that every two weeks (especially since our five year old started kindergarten) one or more of our children are sick, and often the adults are too. There seems to be a virus waiting around every corner. Life isn't that fun right now. We stay healthy for a week or two and then all of us are sick again.

What bothers me most of all is that I know that each of my children will die, probably of old age (knock on wood), but they will die. Alone. Without me there to hold them. This tears me apart. Last night I slept with my middle child, three year old Pete. As he slept I held him and I could feel his new heart beating strongly, and I circled my thumb and pointer finger around his tiny wrist, and I thought about how innocent he is and I cried to think that my son will eventually die.

Since they did not ask to be born (I did not ask to be born either) I say they should not have to follow society's rules and become "responsible" adults and "contribute" to society. Pah! I now devote the rest of my life to enabling them to never have to work a day in their lives. They did not ask for this misery. I must die before them but I intend to do everything I can to make sure they do not have to work unless they wish to. It is my lapse of foresight that brought them into this world of wars and murder (same thing), heartbreak and tragedy, pollution and greed (same thing). I read a quote somewhere that said life is tragedy with momentary bursts of joy. My children are my "bursts of joy."