Saturday, November 21, 2009

Loss and confusion, grief and loneliness

At the present time we are comfortably settled in a nice, safe, little town. Our oldest is in first grade here, our middle child will be going to kindergarten in September in the same school as our oldest, and our youngest is 2 years old. I work for the state university here as a night custodian. I took this job to keep our children out of daycare while my wife took six long years to earn a master's degree. I used to be an elementary teacher in my previous life, long ago. We agreed that when she earned her master's I would be able to semi-retire and perhaps homeschool our children. Now it is all gone. My wife has fallen in love with a medical marijuana grower and seller and she intends to move our babies to live with him in a desolate city in California. I have been left destitute, living in cheap quarters, and a visitation schedule with my children that doesn't compare to coming home every day to "Daddy!" and my daughter running into my arms. All gone. I am amazed that my heart still beats.

I have state benefits here that will be hard to match anywhere else. I have a 200 thousand dollar life insurance policy, excellent health insurance for our family, and an excellent retirement plan. Our children are familiar with this town, the teachers, the doctors, the parks, etc. Why do we need to move? I encourage my wife to maintain a long-distance love affair and I don't mind helping to pay for their summer and xmas get-togethers. All I care about is being with my children. She doesn't seem to be concerned about taking our children from their familiar surroundings, teachers, doctors, and friends and move them into the unknown, far away from me, their father who loves them beyond words. I will follow them and I will stay in their lives. I'm their dad!

I love all three of our children intensely and it is very difficult adjusting to a visitation schedule. I am a hyper-vigilant father and I am proud of it. I used to check on our children at least twice a night to make sure their blankets were covering them and that they hadn't fallen out of bed, and to make sure they didn't have a fever. My wife sleeps straight through every night. This says a lot about my spouse's maternal instincts. She has left our children twice now since December 09, for ten days at a time, and flown to California over the Xmas holidays and spring break to be with her new lover. I couldn't do it. I would miss our children too much.

When they visit me I change their clothes so I have things that smell like them when they're not with me. I sleep with their clothes and when I wake up in the night I breathe in my children's scents. I do not know how I am bearing this loneliness.